I agree with you that the depth of characterization is more important than the character's design, in the big picture.

When you've gotten into debates with women about sexualizing characters, has it been about characters in general, or about male characters specifically? Because given the history of objectification in media, I think sexualizing male characters for the female gaze is quite different from sexualizing female characters for the male gaze (or sexualizing male characters as male power fantasies). (But if it's about a weariness with the emphasis on sexual relationships to the exclusion of all others within some branches of fandom, I can certainly relate to that.)