Thinking through a decision

[owlmoose]

With ladybusiness being named a Hugo finalist, a potential change -- one I'd been thinking about anyway -- comes to the forefront of my mind: is it time to take down the wall around my fandom identity?

Not long after I started writing and posting fic, I decided to decouple my fandom activities from my legal name. I wasn't super paranoid about it; there are plenty of people who follow my fandom accounts and know my "real" name, and I've always talked about work and other real life issues in my journals (although I've always taken care not to name my employers or the people in my life). My pseudonym is based on my legal name, and not in a subtle way. I've never minded my offline friends knowing that I write fic and am active in fandom. I've left enough breadcrumbs over the years that a really determined person could probably follow the trail. My goal was to keep the name "owlmoose" and my fandom accounts out of a casual Google search for my legal name, and in that I was successful. (It helps that my name is so common that I'm essentially unfindable on Google unless you know my middle initial, and even then I'm pretty buried.)

In practice, what this means is that I've never shared my writing or anything connected to it on Facebook. That's the space demarcated by the online wall: Facebook and LinkedIn on one side; DW/LJ, Tumblr, and Twitter on the other. I had originally meant Twitter to be on the open side (that's why my Twitter handle isn't owlmoose), but I found that many more fandom people were active there, and I decided to give up that pretense. There are a number of people on both sides of the wall -- although very few non-fandom friends read my LJ anymore -- and I have always been open to inviting individual people to cross the boundary. But the thought of throwing the floodgates open and allowing anyone through, including family, former coworkers, and potential professional connections, is a bit daunting.

On the other hand, the Internet landscape is very different from when I first started doing fandom over ten years ago. Fanfic has become more acceptable as a mainstream hobby. (If I'm being honest, the fact that I don't write much porn, and almost no slash, probably helps here. Still, I have some porny stuff out there. And I don't think I want my mother to read it.) I'm not as serious about building a librarian career as I was then. I no longer work with students, and even if I did, I doubt most of them would bat an eye. And "editor for a Hugo-award finalist website" is a pretty nice thing to put on a resume, especially if I'm serious about getting into freelance writing. This news is exciting, and I'd like to share it with people. And as I mentioned above, I've been thinking about lowering the wall for awhile now. It's more work to keep things separate, and as fannish writing becomes a bigger part of my life, it starts feeling kind of weird to hide it from people.

So that's where I am right now. This is not a small decision -- if I decide to do it, there's no unringing the bell -- so I'm thinking it through pretty seriously before I make any moves. If anyone has thoughts, or experience with making this same choice for themselves, I'd be interested to hear it.

Comments

A pessimistic view

[auronlu]

I've been eroding the wall, partly thanks to AO3, which maddeningly makes it impossible to partition "pseuds" from one's main username or from one another. (Tumblr, same problem, with sideblogs unable to like/reply.) I was so careful for years, then it got to be too much of a hassle.

I feel very uneasy about the fact that determined Google searchers could now find me. Sometimes I think about deleting all my accounts and starting over with separate logins for each handle, but it's too late.

My Who fandom name is linked to my real name. My gamer fandom name is not. That's because Who fandom is welcoming of female fans at the "expert fan" level, whereas... well, you know what happens in gaming. I have a gender-neutral handle for a reason.

Which makes me suggest being very wary regarding Ladybusiness, especially since you're going to have more visibility with the Hugos. On the one hand, we shouldn't have to hide, but on the other hand, I think misogyny in gaming and nerd spaces is much more aggressive and open now than it was 15 years ago.

And I also think that as Trump continues to fan the fires of hate speech with impunity, that's not going to change. (Nor am I 100% confident this election is safe from gerrymandering and voter suppression, so I'm afraid there's a possibility he could continue fanning the flames past November.)

Re: A pessimistic view

[owlmoose]

This is a good an important point, and thanks for making it. I admit that I've mostly been considering the ramifications from the other direction: should I make it easier for people I know offline to learn about my fannish hobbies? I hadn't though so much about people who find me in fandom being able to discover my offline identity and make trouble. I wonder it it's even possible to do one without doing the other.

Re: A pessimistic view

[lassarina]

I'd have to co-sign this. Given what has happened to Anita Sarkeesian,Zoe Quinn, Brianna Wu, et al., I would be fucking terrified to have my legal name connected to my fandom identity. I am nowhere near their level of "known by the fuckwit brigade" and even so I've gotten some thoroughly disgusting email to my fandom handle regarding reviews I wrote 15 years ago (how very fucking dare I not consider FF7 perfect) and it would frighten me more if I didn't put a lot of work into keeping my names separate.

(This also goes to writing: when I submit to agents later this year, I will be writing as a pseudonym, and I shall work reasonably hard to keep that away from my wallet name as well, because I will be a lady writing in SF/F with opinions, and I do not need that to show up at my work doorstep or my house.)

I am of the generation that came of age on the Internet in the late 90s - I was born in 1982 - and thus I am part of that Internet generation that has a visceral NOPE reaction to the idea of crossing the names. Like you, KJ, there are offline people I will freely tell how to find me (mostly my gamer nerd friends who won't give a damn that I write altitudekink porn with a nonhuman participant), but my job doesn't need to, ever. (And I work in public service, so a lot of my information can be demanded via FOIA. No thanks. Thank goodness my paranoia kept them separate until I found that out, because the genie does not go back.)

Re: A pessimistic view

[owlmoose]

The possibility of FOIA requests isn't something I'd thought of, because I've never worked for a public institution, but my current employer does take government contracts, so I should look into whether that might affect me. Thanks for bringing that up.

I do want to clarify that I have no intention of actually *using* my wallet name in fandom. No matter how open I become about the connection, I expect to keep going by my pseudonym in fannish spaces. I've been very lucky so far in that trolls have rarely come after me and never been persistent, so I might be looking at the situation through rosier glasses than I ought.

Re: A pessimistic view

[lassarina]

I haven't had very persistent trolls, but anxiety/neurosis definitely informs my reaction. That, and the aforementioned internet generation, where it was Obviously True that if you ever told anyone on the Internet your "Real" name/where you lived/etc. you would meet a Very Bad End, which is something I've honestly never bothered to grow out of. (Add to that, that there are only 4 states--and I do not live in one--that explicitly say you can't be fired for lawful activity off the clock, and I just don't want to play that game. Granted, I currently work somewhere that can't do that for other reasons, but i'd rather stay in the habit of paranoid separation. Only one coworker knows where to find me on the Internet, and that was after we accidentally were out to each other about being bi, poly, and kinky, so at that point it was like well if he finds the porn, he'll just shrug. And he'd have to care enough to google my Steam name and find the rest of me.)

Re: A pessimistic view

[sarasa_cat]

lassarina echoed everything I was thinking but didn't necessarily say when I typed up my response earlier in the week.

The real problem is that misogyny + butthurt + instability is a dangerous brew which means that anyone can become a target for no good reason beyond "winning" the lottery of being the wrong person on the wrong day who just happened to write an article on something that set off a fantatic into threaten/abuse/attack mode. A number of institutions I know of (including one I worked for) went through years of handling all mail and packages as potential bomb/anthrax threats, and did so for very good reason. Threats to staff members at a variety of my past places of work were commonplace enough that we had an entire procedure to handle it (especially after one person was shot and killed).

The issue isn't using your wallet name in fandom, but in people's ability to link your byline name (be it a pseudonym or wallet name) with your photograph, your home/work address, and your home/work phonenumber. That is the real problem.

In your case, you are lucky because you get to think *now* about how to tie anything in your current work, LadyBusiness, with any identifiable aspects of your identity/whereabouts, rather than being in the uncomfortable, time consuming, and sometimes expensive position of needing to obscure this info once it is too late.

Re: A pessimistic view

[justira]

I linked my fannish and legal identities when I ran for the OTW Board, and I've been pretty open about linking them since then. It's not even a big leap, as my handle contains my name in it anyway.

There are many legitimate concerns about linking identities, and I can't fault anyone for keeping the walls up. But just to speak from the other side of the experience, I have had zero scary or even annoying repercussions from linking my identities. I can only hope that more people can come to share the same level of ease that I've been lucky enough to have.

Re: Walls are good.

[owlmoose]

I'm happy to screen the comment, sure. Either after active conversation ends or at the end of the week, whichever comes first.

I appreciate the tips and will look into the ones that relate to my situation. I don't really have a professional online presence of any sort except for LinkedIn. I had idly thought of blogging about librarian stuff at one point, but I missed the moment there and the profession has moved on to other platforms. Even a Google search for my name including middle initial has nothing that's actually me on the first several pages except for "find people with this name on Facebook", and I wonder whether I rank highly there because I'm searching on the same browser where I'm logged in. Might be worthwhile to experiment with that.

I do want to clarify that I never intended to start actually *using* my wallet name in fandom. No matter how open I become about the connection, I expect to keep going by my pseudonym in fannish spaces. And my Facebook is friends only and always will be -- not that I put a great deal of faith in Facebook security, but it at least adds another layer of difficulty. But the reminder to be cautious is certainly appreciated.

[alias_sqbr]

I'm in a similar situation, though with three identities, and the horse has kind of already bolted. I have my fannish identity (eg this one), my creative identity used for original games and art, and my offline/legal identity. All three are somewhat linked, and a moderately determined person could get from any one in the chain to any other without much difficulty, though the links from offline to fandom are the most indirect. There's just too much overlap in my fannish and offline friendship groups, and I know that being paranoid about keeping things strictly separated would make me too anxious.

Which given that I'm a female game developer post Gamergate is...kind of scary. But I just don't feel like much I could do would make much difference in the case of a concerted attack. Which would probably be against my game dev identity anyway, and there's no separating that from real life since I am involved in real life networking with other local developers. I got a review published in a moderately significant magazine lately and the local games group identified me by legal name. I then shared it on my timeline because I couldn't see any advantage in not doing so and it would make my mother happy to be able to share it with her friends in turn (which it did) I didn't share the review on any of my fannish accounts, but I've linked to the game there previously.

Basically it's a big mess :/